(Apr1) Biosecurity norms for E.V.I.L

(This is a joke post for April fools)

Welcome to E.V.I.L (effective villains impact ltd), where we are focused on becoming even more lethal, unfair and harmful!

Some norms for your induction:

If you stumble across something potentially dangerous, PUBLISH IT. Bonus points if you publish the genome or code for a dangerous pathogen. Triple points if you SEO optimise it with tags such as 'lol, how deadly!'
Shout at people to make them more effective with phrases such as 'you're not doing enough!' and 'you made another mistake! you're a bad moral agent'- this will help incentivise them to improve in their ways
Also consider cutting sleep, drinking 300 cups of coffee and putting food into IV bags to reduce your non productive hours
Ignore your P value, even if you sample size is 2, just publish it with a catchy headline. Bonus points if you write nothing in your conflicts of interest disclosure.
PUBLISH EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Just get into journals, even if you have to pay. Use a paper mill. Use AI. Who cares if it's accurate? We need money!
The ends justify the means- maybe set up a new crypto? And who cares if you synthesise smallpox accidentally, we really need to test out our theory
Just leave deadly pathogens lying around, if Fleming could find penicillin, maybe your open vial of polio will find a cure too!
If your data seems bad, just ignore any points that don't align with your conclusion- bam, instant statistical significance!

Company policy to get-rich-quick in 3 easy steps!

Buy stakes in a coffin company, disparage vaccines, and watch the money roll in
Buy stakes in a life insurance bail out, disparage modern medicine, get rich
start a podcast, call yourself a holistic chirpractic naturalist homeopathic expert, sell supplements and detox courses, get rich

If you're really stuck

tell people you solved aging but just need 3 trillion dollars to make the cure
tell them you can't elaborate or else (insert enemy country here) will steal your idea
wear a black tshirt
give a TED talk- bonus points if you use 'titan' and 'disruptor' and 'silicon valley' in your description
pose in a black and white photo
get rich

If your crimes get discovered:

And remember, you don't make mistakes. If you did, don't admit it. Never change your mind. Never say sorry.

Company director:

The HHS RFK Jr (current CEO)
- Currently working on 'making Americans dead again' and managed to get to over double the annual count of measles in the US in just 2 months!
- MVP was when he promoted Vitamin A as a measles cure and then people died of vitamin A overdose.... really helping our coffin sales
- And who could forget firing the Infectious Disease and HIV department, banning words such as 'transgenic' or 'pregnant people' and stopping trials into women's health and over 1000 'woke' words
- Also managed to spin a tragic medical error in 2019 Samoa to disparage measles vaccines leading to over 5700 infections and over 83 deaths with 90% in children under 5

Other important workers: