EA can feel like an overbearing parent

By Jen baik @ 2026-02-27T08:44 (+10)

Background 

As a child of Asian immigrants, I grew up with a ceaselessly demanding & imposing mom, who dictated my life decisions: from my haircut to taking up flute, something I detested, to the topic of my middle school research project (I wanted to do puppy welfare. She decided I’d get a better grade interviewing pharmacists). The only truly autonomous decision I recall might be deciding to join the Cross Country Club in the 8th grade, which was met with sufficient chagrin as a waste of time not spent studying for an entrance exam at a local magnet school. 

She meant well. She was simply enforcing her understanding of the path to success, but wow - I resented her. 

I also grew up Christian - another prescriptive institution with a list of virtues you should adopt & actions you should and should not do - for the sake of your soul’s wellbeing (amongst other reasons). 

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Here’s how to be a top tier & great effective altruist

• (Optional but correlated) Graduate from an elite university
• Work at a high income or high career capital job 
• Do personal fit - so that you are good at what you do and make more money or attain more power
  • Your personal fit should be something that neatly fits into 80k’s most pressing problems
  • Or make a lot of money & your donation interests should neatly fit into the most effective charities
• Work at one of the 20 EA orgs or start your own or fund one
• Your tombstone contains a number: the global QUALYs that you’ve contributed to. Make that number the highest you possibly can.
  • Don’t burnout because burnout is ineffective to reaching the highest possible score.
  • Also, have kids and do fun things because serotonin & happy chemicals are effective to reaching the highest possible score. 
  • Have some virtues because if you don’t that makes us look bad and may diminish the highest possible total score of the EA community

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I should be doing more. I should be donating more. I should be organizing more. I should be reading more EA things. I should be… I should be….

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On personal principle, I am now averse to actively evangelizing, or prescribing an individual to adopt EA principles.

Taking advantage of Draft Amnesty with a generated image that is not completely accurate but satisfice to get the point across

I used to preach the good word of EA, GiveWell, and the 10% pledge, and watched many eyes slowly glaze over. Then, not too long ago at my peak hubris, I told a friend, “people who aren’t doing EA-esque things should not be kidding themselves into believing that they are truly impactful.”  

I meant well. I truly believed EA methods were our best chance at fighting the desperate war on suffering. (My inflated ego was just an unintended byproduct.)  

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What I want from myself & by extension, sprinkled a bit in EA culture

• I want less “tolerate anything but the outgroup”
  • No patronizing local nonprofits, soup kitchens, or community volunteering. These can be the butt of jokes in casual conversation.
  • We are all on the same side of the war against suffering.  
• I want more epistemic humility & awareness of assumptions I make - the map is not the territory.
  • Ex: Resolving global poverty is a topic that challenges even top Nobel Laureates in the field. Social entrepreneurship & funding is one part of a larger socioeconomic dynamic at play full of historical and sociological forces. There is uncertainty on how much a donation pledge shifts the needle for long-lasting change - a common critique. 
  • Practically, this idea doesn’t change my actions (ITN is a good framework), but it generates humility in conversations with non-EAs. 
• I want more personal empowerment over deference to experts or EA leaders

[On Catastrophic AI Risk] Form your own models and anticipations. It's easy to hear the proclamations of [highly respected] others and/or everyone else reacting and then reflexively update to "aaahhhh". I'm not saying "aaahhhh" isn't the right reaction, but I think for any given person it should come after a deliberate step of processing arguments and evidence to figure out your own anticipations. 

- From LW’s Quick Guide to Confronting Doom

• "The finger pointing to the moon is not the moon" - Buddhist metaphor
  • The end goal is all species flourishing & suffering alleviation & doing good (with a great community of people!). That is the moon. Many other aspects of EA - frameworks, status & clout, flashy careers - are a means to getting there, not the end state. Being a good EA is not the same as doing good. I personally struggle with this idea.   

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Resolution

I’ve decided that I’m part of the EA community not because I should be - that there’s a moral-guilt-shaped gun to my head telling me that any alternative to tackling suffering alleviation is subpar. 

I am part of the EA community because our approach to suffering alleviation is interesting and I personally largely resonate with its analyses and approach in moving the needle. 

I am part of the EA community because I get to meet, befriend, and be in awe of above-average humble, passionate, selfless and/or wacky people. 

I am part of the EA community because I want to be here.